The Apocalypse starts today

Good news! Macy’s has cracked the biblical code and figured out that the Last Days start today and run through Sunday. Not only is it the end of time but Macy’s is also celebrating the original sin (the Fall) with a sale! Based on the Left Behind novels and movies, you might not want to get in on the apparel sale.

If you were going to buy something, knowing that the world ended on Sunday, what would you buy?

Brian Atkinson

Brian is an international and inspirational speaker, consultant, and voice artist. Brian has served as the Director of Digital Communications at American Bible Society, and the Director of Digital Media at The Bible Gateway (Gospel Communications International). He has worked as a communications director, technology manager, church-planter, radio announcer, welder, and ice cream man. He has a lot of t-shirts.

Posted in Wacky
14 comments on “The Apocalypse starts today
  1. dmaher says:

    Given: your blogs are generally witty. This one? Had to laugh out loud! Why? Because I’m headed to Macy’s at lunch (unless I’m inconveniently pulled into a meeting). Your question is quite narrow…SOMETHING sounds so SINGULAR. If the world ends on Sunday I need an entirely new outfit (and since it’s the weekend, I’d be casual):
    1. RLL jeans, boot cut, black, brushed denim.
    2. Bandolino great new boots, 2″ heel, smooth leather and suede, grey flannel detailing.
    3. RLL cashmere crew T, long-sleeve, black
    4. RLL Cable knit grey (or cerulean – depends on what they have)hoodie
    5. Coach bag, red, with woven shoulder strap
    6. Black/white houndstooth knee-length coat; hidden, seam-pockets, waist detailing (vendor TBD)
    7. Stripey glittens (that’s right; not mittens, not gloves – GLITTENS)
    8. Lancome eyeliner & eye shadows
    9. Fragrance (appropriately): Calvin Klein’s ETERNITY!

  2. Julia Wurst says:

    Fact: If this weekend is the end of the world I need to go shopping so I can look my best when I enter the pearly gates!
    Fact: Macys is guaranteed to make that happen!
    What will I buy?
    1. Designer winter white pants with a trendy wide leg. (If I have to look good for God at church, don’t I want to look even better when I see Him?)
    2. Designer fitted sweater in gray or some other understated color. (Fact: In order for wide leg pants to look good and not clunky, one must pair them with a fitted top. Also, I don’t want to draw too much attention to myself. Let someone else go first to be judged.)
    3. Tall winter white round toe boots. (Fact: Round toes are in this season. Pointy witch shoes: OUT! Also, pointy witch shoes may confuse St. Peter as to which side I’m on.)
    4. Winter white Marc Jacobs “movie” bag. In case I need to sneak in some good snacks.
    This has been a lesson in theology, fashion and how to speak like Dwight Schrute.
    Fact: The Office Season Premier Tonight at 8 PM on NBC.

  3. Adam says:

    If the end of the world was coming on Sunday, I wouldn’t waste my time worrying about or wearing pants at all. I’m pretty sure I’d be forgiven.

  4. Anonymous says:

    My question is- Is this man the Antichrist? I’m a little nervous, because I think I once dated him.

    If we’re in Macy’s, will we miss the Rapture? Do you think Macy’s has a secret barcode that is really spells out 666?

    I think this all makes sense, because I heard once that if you research the Antichrist in the original Greek-it actually says “high-fashion model”.

  5. Fact: I would forgo the Macy’s sale and leave my money for the poor souls that are left on the earth after the rapture. You can’t take it with you and you definitely can’t look more trendy than Gabriel. Don’t be a hater!!

  6. mfreeman says:

    I would buy a new cell phone that would let me personally record my own ringtone. “Rockin’ Robin,” featuring me on all parts: alto, soprano, and tenor.

  7. Actually…I change my answer…
    I would go to Macy’s, buy a man’s suit, wear it, and tell everyone it’s a woman’s suit.

  8. Why would you buy something when the things of earth will soon disappear anyway? I would leave all my junk to Dwight Schrute and his hotel.

  9. Maybe in the original Bible it talks about Macy’s being something of heaven and not of earth. In which case I would buy a cute black dress and red patent leather shoes.

  10. First of, that’s hilarious.

    Secondly, how come none of the other department stores figured out that the world ends this weekend? Macy’s must have an inside man.

    But it leaves me wondering: Could this be just a sales ploy to get people to buy crap? I mean, come on. If this weekend were really the end of the world, why wouldn’t they just give all their stuff away? And give it to the poor especially. That way, when Judgement happens (on Sunday), they’d be top of the list to get into Heaven.

    Peter’d be like, “What up, Macy’s? Saw what you did with all your earthy crap. That was off the hook! Well done. Come on in and have a grilled cheese sandwich. There’s a never-ending supply.”

    It’s gotta be a scam otherwise they’d do that. I bet come Sunday, ther’ll be a whole load of Christians hanging out in Macy’s going, “What the heck? You guys were full of it!”

    Then they’ll make an announcement on the PA like “Oh our bad.” as they count all their money and go home.

    Sinners.

  11. Anonymous says:

    P.S. Way to go, Brain.

  12. Clopar says:

    I’d ditch the clothes—they’re so old life; however, I’d invest in a good pair of sunglasses, what with all the radiance going on all at once.

  13. Leanne says:

    I wouldn’t buy anything.
    I’d steal holy water from a catholic church, fill an atomizer, stand at the fragrance counter and surreptitiously baptize unsuspecting sinners. More souls in heaven!!
    D & Julia will enter in style, but I’ll have more jewels in my holy tiara.

  14. Anonymous says:

    Being an employee of Macy’s, INC as we are traded, gives me the authority to campaign for Macy’s. We do have an inside man and we do have a ‘Fall event’ every year. Which year will it be????? My advice stay current continously. As heathens ask you where you shop use the opportunity to segue in a witnessing chat. BUT remember the only way this happens is if you visit Macy’s often, staying up-to-date and spending more money walking into a store than in front of a computer.