Food Rules!

Over the past couple of years, I’ve mentioned that I have some food rules. I’ve also promised to post them at some point. I’ve never tried to write out the food rules before, so this is as much an exercise for me as it is keeping a promise.

These are my rules. If you don’t like them, make your own list. I look forward to reading them.

1) Don’t cook my citrus
This is primarily in the area of baked goods: Lemon bars, cake, orange glaze.
Exception – pineapple on pizza

2) Don’t flavor things banana
Banana candy is especially nasty

3) No more Hormel
I got food poisoning from a can of chili once.
Exception – spam. I happen to like spam and I’m not giving it up just because Hormel bought it.

4) Hot dogs are an art-form
Ball Park brand franks are disgusting. I don’t care if they do plump when you cook ’em. I prefer a good natural-casing dog, Oscar Meyer wiener, Ekrich franks or just about anything besides Ball Park. The best dogs are served in a ball park, unless they are actually Ball Park brand. Also, see rule #3.

5) Chocolate milk is important
Hershey’s syrup in milk is OK. I like Ovaltine and Bosco, but prefer Quick above all other mix-in varieties. Even the No-Sugar-Added Quick is better than most others. Store brands are right out. The absolute best is the pre-mixed stuff. Feel free to mix that 1/1 with plain milk.

6) Skim milk is wrong
I’ll take 1/2% before skim. 2% is best. Whole milk from the farm without homogenization and without pasteurization is a delicacy. Scoop the cream off and drink up.

7) Custard not cream
Donuts are often filled with something other than jelly. There’s custard – which is fantastic. There’s some kind of cream filling which is nasty. Carefully choose your donut.

8) Vegetables
The veggies on a sandwich count. I like salad. I’ll eat most any vegetable when it’s hidden in something else but it has to be small enough and unrecognizable. Corn is good – leading me to rule #9.

9) The Corn stands alone
Corn in things frightens me. I don’t want to see it in poo or in food.

10) I have a list of restaurants
I’ve boycotted the following chain restaurants due to certain problems.
Bob Evans – Food Poisoning 2x
Brann’s – the infamous bread-tie incident
Applebee’s – most of a lady bug in my salad

this one is definitely just me.

Brian Atkinson

Brian is an international and inspirational speaker, consultant, and voice artist. Brian has served as the Director of Digital Communications at American Bible Society, and the Director of Digital Media at The Bible Gateway (Gospel Communications International). He has worked as a communications director, technology manager, church-planter, radio announcer, welder, and ice cream man. He has a lot of t-shirts.

Posted in Brian-Food
8 comments on “Food Rules!
  1. jonathan says:

    I’ve broken most of these rules at one point or another, but I am in total agreement on the citrus rule as well as the Custard-not-cream rule. The one rule I definitely don’t agree with is corn: corn in other things is yummy! But a freshly-picked ear of sweet corn wins any day of the week.

    I’ll have to think of my rules now too.

  2. Luke says:

    Pineapple is not citrus. Corn derivatives are in most processed foods like Oscar Meyer wieners, or did you mean whole corn kernels? I’m a fan of corn in salsa.

  3. Craig says:

    Gotta disagree with #1 – grilled blood orange on top of glazed baby pork ribs is to die for.

  4. Jessica says:

    I totally agree about the bannana, the fake flavor is disgusting!

  5. Jessica says:

    next time i’ll spell banana correctly…

  6. Heather says:

    Oh my…that made me laugh. It seems that I only half agree with #3. I don’t like chili in a can. I haven’t had the guts to try Spam though. I’m not big into highly processed meats which is why I don’t like hot dogs…

    And banana Laffy Taffy is great!

  7. dmaher says:

    Totally agree with 2, 3, 5 & 7; and I’m surprised to find someone who knows about whole milk from a farm. Right on! Have to disagree with the mention of lemon bars in rule #1 – and with rule #10…but hey, they’re your rules and your blog…so it’s just you…

  8. bethany says:

    I am right there with you on custard not cream. Custard is the best thing to put in a doughnut, cream is gross and not worth the calories.