something in my food

I find stuff in my food all the time.

I used to think I was cursed in some way, but then I realized that I am the god of foreign-matter-in-food. Material that should not appear in a served meal follows me everywhere in order to laud, praise, worship, and generally find a way to become one with me by attempting to find its way into my mouth. Fortunately one of my god-powers is that I can detect things that don’t belong in my mouth with the efficiency of an assembly line owned by a company that wants to move their operations to Mexico. The smallest hint of any accidental content sets off an alarm I can’t ignore. I’m working on spotting things before I ingest them and I occasionally succeed. If you’ve been to more than a few meals with me, you’ve seen it happen. Others of you will have to wait for your opportunity.

If there is a cherry-pit in the cherry pie, it will show up in my piece. I once found an egg-shell the size of a half-dollar sitting on top of an omelet. It wasn’t cooked-in or anything, just sitting there on top when it arrived from the kitchen.

Salad poses a particular problem, because it’s often filled with a variety of things and textures. Several years ago at an Applebe’s I found most of a ladybug in my salad. Not a whole ladybug mind you, but most of one. I had a nice healthy bite of lettuce perched on the end of my fork as I talked with my friends around the table. I tend to talk with my hands, and the fork looked like an orchestra conductor’s baton, keeping the conversation’s tempo. Finally, I moved the bite toward my mouth. There it was. I sent the salad back and had a burger instead.

Once, on a date, in fact I think it was a first-date, I bit into a piece of glass concealed in the fried rice at a Chinese restaurant. I’m pretty sure it was a bead from a necklace or something, but I bit it right in half between two molars. Getting it out required an oral lavage courtesy of the tall glass of water that came with dinner. I managed to extricate it without injury.

Friday night I had a cup of white chicken chili at a barbecue joint in Muskegon – Brutus’ Barbecue. Part-way through it, I saw something odd. It was kind of grayish-greenish-bluish. It was lumpy. There were multiple incidents of it. I asked my server to see if she could figure it out. My friend Steve thought it looked like a few puddles of pneumonia-induced lung-butter. It turned out to be a few dollops of bleu cheese dressing. Well, that’s what the restaurant said it was. I think I won’t go back there again.

Et tu Brute?

maybe it’s just me…

Brian is an international and inspirational speaker, consultant, and voice artist. Brian has served as the Director of Digital Communications at American Bible Society, and the Director of Digital Media at The Bible Gateway (Gospel Communications International). He has worked as a communications director, technology manager, church-planter, radio announcer, welder, and ice cream man. He has a lot of t-shirts.

2 Comments on “something in my food

  1. it haunts me still. just thinking of the curdled, coagulated schnerr makes me dry heave a little.

    I told my kids about it and they cried.